Coming back.

I returned to my roots about 6 months ago.

It all began with a conversation in a hot tub. I was telling one of my good friends that I would, maybe, consider, going back to Saskatchewan for the summer. I didn’t really expect anyone to take this consideration seriously, much less encourage it. But this friend, in that hot tub on a rainy Vancouver night, said to me “Maybe you should just try it. You can always come back.”

As soon as I was given permission, it all became real.

I’ll save you the details of the transition. That’s not what we’re here for.

We’re here to talk about dating. More specifically, dating as a 30-year-old, single, queer, relationship anarchist, in a conservative, uptight, heteronormative city.

BRING IT ON.

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“Relationship anarchy is not about never committing to anything – it’s about designing your own commitments with the people around you.” Andi Nordgren

There is more to it than that, but I am not here to school you on relationship anarchy (RA). Google it if you care to find out more.

I connect with this term for a number of reasons:

1. I do not like the idea of ownership or hierarchy in any relationship. My body, time, heart, and other relationships are mine, and mine alone to navigate.

2. I see no reason why my other relationships come secondary to a romantic partnership – when I was in a heteronormative relationship this was a hard concept for me to grasp.

3. I love deeply, and I think it would be insane to say that all that love will go to one person.

4. My heart people support me in so many ways that I couldn’t fathom the idea that one person could do everything they do; nor could I fathom the idea that I will simply “drift” away from them if I found “the one”.

5. I am all about autonomy and total freedom – for both myself and my partners – with communication, trust and respect.

My conclusion: heteronormative monogamy is simply not for me.

In my 30 years on this planet, I have been in a monogamous, heteronormative relationship for not even 3 of them. I have dated, I have had sex, I have formed true, intimate, lifelong connections with beautiful souls. I have been in love – probably more times than I have said out loud (I believe we need more words for love, because it encompasses so much of the human experience). I flirt, I go out, and I try my best to be authentic in a world that is trying to make us fit in a box. I find that the story I so often hear is “you’ll find someone” (typically: a man). There seems to be no room for alternatives.

Especially in the prairies – though I’m sure this actually true of most places in the world, my bubble in Vancouver was just incredibly special in the way that it did not push this.

My one serious relationship was beautiful in its own way. And the breakup brought up feelings and grief – as they do. But it also allowed me to expand myself in a magnificient way. I do not wish break ups on anyone, but I do wish that opportunity for growth and expansion on everyone.

Now I feel bigger and brighter than ever before, and I am back in the land where I learned to dull myself. So my journey of trying to maintain myself while building authentic connections begins.

And I wish to share it. All of it. Ups and downs and round and rounds. Lucky you.

 

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